Letting Children Be Loved, Not Measured

In my work with young people and families, I am often reminded of a simple truth: children flourish most when they feel deeply loved and accepted for who they are—not only for what they achieve.

As parents, it is natural to hope that our children will succeed, whether that means exam results, a university place, or a secure career. Many parents make sacrifices to give their children opportunities they themselves never had. Yet the line between healthy encouragement and harmful pressure can be a fine one. When crossed, it can have significant consequences for a child’s mental health and sense of self.

From my professional perspective, I see two common patterns.

For families living with financial pressure, education can be viewed as the pathway to security and stability. The intention is deeply loving: to give a child a chance at a better life. Yet when expectations become rigid or absolute—“you must achieve this or you’ve failed”—a child can begin to feel as though their future, and the family’s future, rests entirely on their shoulders. Research has shown that such pressures are linked to higher risks of anxiety, depression, and self-harm in adolescents (Patra, Sen, Sagar, & Bhargava, 2023). The weight of expectation can become too much for young shoulders to carry.

On the other side, children from more privileged homes are not immune to these challenges. Dr. Suniya Luthar’s research (2003) into affluent families highlights the psychological costs of excessive academic and social pressure. When success is tied to maintaining family reputation or securing a prestigious career path, young people often describe feeling exhausted, hollow, or disconnected from their own desires. I frequently hear stories of students pushed into medicine, law, or finance, not because these careers inspire them, but because they feel obligated to fulfil a parent’s vision.

So, what is the right balance?

Expectations themselves are not harmful. In fact, children benefit greatly from parents who believe in them, encourage them to persevere, and model resilience. However, expectations must always be rooted in unconditional love. A child who knows they are cherished regardless of results, who feels safe to fail and try again, is far more likely to develop genuine resilience than a child who succeeds out of fear of disappointing their parents.

I often use the image of a pressure cooker with families I work with. A certain amount of pressure is useful; it creates momentum and brings out potential. But without a release valve—moments of failure, change, play, or even irresponsibility—the pressure builds until something breaks. Children need that release to grow in a healthy, balanced way.

As we enter another academic year, I would encourage parents to reflect on the messages they give their children. Celebrate achievement, yes—but celebrate effort even more. Praise their persistence, their curiosity, their kindness, and their individuality. These qualities will serve them throughout life far more than any single exam result.

Perhaps the most powerful thing you can say to your child is this: “I am proud of you for being yourself. Your best is always enough.”

In the end, our children’s well-being depends less on the targets we set for them, and more on the steady assurance that they are loved without condition. It is this foundation, above all else, that allows them to grow into confident, resilient adults.

References

• Luthar, S. S. (2003). The culture of affluence: Psychological costs of material wealth. Child Development, 74(6), 1581–1593.

• Patra, B. N., Sen, M. S., Sagar, R., & Bhargava, R. (2023). Deliberate self-harm in adolescents: A review of literature. Industrial Psychiatry Journal, 32(1), 9–14.